Happy Friday The 13th! What, not so happy for you? Are you one of the thousands of people across the globe stricken with Paraskevidekatriaphobia? I didn’t make up the word; it really exists. It means “the irrational fear of Friday the thirteenth." Apparently, once you learn how to pronounce the word you’re cured! So get practicin’!
Since I myself love Friday the 13th (why, I’m not sure, it seems I simply enjoy the things that freak other people out, like snakes and cemeteries at night and stuff.) Cool! Anyway, I’ve compiled my own list of helpful tips for the Paraskevidekatriaphobics out there to survive this day. Good luck!
Ways to Stay Safe on Friday the Thirteenth
1. Make your to-do list for the day. Stop at item 12. For added safety, simply don’t write a to-do list at all. Stay in bed.
2. If you do get out of bed and go to the bakery today, be sure to buy a regular dozen muffins, not a baker’s dozen! Everyone knows the extra muffin is day-old.
3. Don’t listen to any CDs with 13 tracks! Or at least, stop at the end of track 12, for goodness sake! Track 13 spelled backwards is neet riht kcart. I think it means “Death to the record label industry.”
4. Do you journal? Count the pages in your journal or notebook. Rip out the 13th page. Burn it. Heck, most of it is garbage anyway – just torch the whole thing.
5. After torching your journal, secretly burn your spouse’s journal, too. There’s gotta be bad stuff written about you in there, so might as well eliminate it.
6. Count the pills in your prescription. Flush the 13th pill down the toilet. Trust me, this isn’t random. Do it. If you take 13 or more pills in one day…consider seeing a therapist.
7. Look at your email inbox. Banish to the spam folder the 13th email. Don’t worry about it; it can’t be important. Besides, if this person had any regard for your welfare, he wouldn’t behave so recklessly as to be the 13th email in your inbox!
8. Don’t send an email to the 13th person in your address book. In fact, delete the contact entirely. She will understand when Freddy passes her by, sort-of like Passover. Really, it’s very similar.
9. Is Friday your day to hit Target for supplies? If you see a jumbo 12-pack of paper towels, and you just happen to be out of paper towels, and the package says, “Bonus! One roll free!” DO NOT buy the so-called bonus pack. That’s another tree down for your carelessness with spills. Try to be a little more conscious today.
10. At 1:00 pm (1300 hrs) drop whatever you are doing, run to bed and hide under the covers. But this shouldn’t be an issue since you heeded tip number one.
11. If you are bored from lying in bed all day and decide to sing “99 Bottles of Beer” to pass the time, well, you know what to do.
(Drink a 12-pack off the wall, silly, its safe – only goes to 12.)
12. Do not, for Heaven’s sake, look upon a painting or reproduction of The Last Supper. Do I have to spell this one out? Twelve apostles plus one Savior who died on a Friday – do the math: God hates fags.
(It must be true. I learned that from the angry people on the street holding signs.)
14. If you happen to be in a large hotel or skyscraper, do not panic. The elevators never go to floor number 13. Of course, there really is a floor 13 if you count ‘em. It’s called denial. See number 6 above.
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